I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
