if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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