Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
