brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
