I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
