Life is so much better after having sex.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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