Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Let's get the cat blown out
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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