Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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