she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
