I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
