shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
