i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I FOUND THE LEGS
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
