your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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