nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
