Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
