I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
