Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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