non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
