well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
