I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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