the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
