You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
