wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
