I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Randomize
