I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
