Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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