I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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