At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
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