remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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