I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
