I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I still have a little drunk in my system
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
