i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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