so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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