I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
