guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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