My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
