FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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