I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
