Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
