So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
