the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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