Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
