So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
