I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
