i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
