wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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