yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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