I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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