I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I did not marry a roomba.
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