u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
