I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
