Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
