I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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