he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
