I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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