my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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