do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize