He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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