My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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