Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
